Let's Get Down to Business

A tree outside the building where I work. It was windy that morning. I love trees, their branches feel so much but stay put.

You guys, Bill Paxton died. He was only 61 years old and he died from complications in surgery. My coworkers and I were talking about his movie Twister on Friday because of a freak thunderstorm that went down. It looked like that movie, intensely dark grey clouds and lightning you can see giving details to those clouds. How bizarre. I need to stop talking about celebs (this is how my mind works sometimes, no joke).

Speaking of how my mind works, I wish I wasn't so much of an overthinker. Sometimes I can quiet my thoughts be absolutely numb to what's around me. Maybe "numb" isn't the word I want to use, but sometimes I can just observe what's going on around me and not feel what's happening to me personally, but to everything else and how they feel. The problem is, sometimes my mind is too busy to take in those quiet moments to recharge. As an introvert, you'd think I'd have it down when I should just quiet everything and build up my energy, but sometimes I can't. I feel like I am such rare kind of introvert, a rare kind of person who feels and can get defensive, that I don't know what to do to make it all better for myself.

The moth/butterfly tattoo design I'm working on.

I love to create. I love to draw and paint and challenge myself as a designer and photographer because I know there's more for me to do than what I've already been doing. But it's hard to find time to be my creative self and to have that alone time I need away from everything. How do I find that balance? Sometimes I'll get a high of inspiration and draw or photograph for hours, without realizing how much has passed by. The other night I got inspired to draw a moth/butterfly looking tattoo design that I started at 11 o'clock at night and continued drawing well into 1:30am. Sometimes those little kicks can happen and I love it. But sometimes they don't and I get scared that I've lost myself and that I'll never find the time to be who I am again.

I like to be quiet. I like to observe and feel what others are feeling but sometimes it's difficult when I'm around others who are so different from me. It's not a bad thing, but it's an adjustment. I'm just trying to do better, trying to be stronger and be true to myself, but sometimes I can't. Sometimes I don't have the time to, but I need to make more of an effort, and be stronger about this, and really be myself. I am quiet. I love to laugh. I love to listen. I love to create. But sometimes not everyone will understand this or appreciate this. But that's okay. I think the sooner a person accepts that everyone is different and they want to be left in their own ways, and that we should respect that, we'll all be better off with really accepting ourselves. Twenty-six years old and I still feel like I'm accepting different sides of me. So much makes me me.

So let's all go and enjoy some waffles and be who we really are. I think you'll love yourself more when you stay true to yourself. It's a struggle to find the time to, but I definitely feel better when I make time for myself.