Let's Get Personal: Revealing.

Atlantic Ocean outside of Charleston, South Carolina. March 2015.

I don't want to get too personal in my blogs (like, I don't want you to know about every negative thought or good personal news that isn't related to my artwork), but there is something I want to share with whomever reads this. Whether you're a stranger, friend, family member, or colleague, there's something about me I want to talk about briefly that'll help you understand me a bit (is that possible?). I have general anxiety disorder. 

I've learned that I am an over-thinker, worrier, incredibly anal, pessimist, angry, doubtful, and impatient (and more, I'm sure). But I can get lost in my thoughts, and that's what can hold me back from fulfilling my true potential as a painter and photographer. I second guess myself like there's no tomorrow, and it's not for fun, it's just something I do before I get to the final step. Where it takes three steps, it takes me fourteen. And I'm not always like this. Sometimes I'll feel like my anxiety is in check and I can be straightforward and confident, but sometimes I'll psych myself out of it. For instance, if I want to paint or photograph something I visualize, I'll not want to do it.

"What if someone's watching me?"
"What are they thinking of me?"
"I shouldn't be doing this, this isn't right."
"I'm going to mess it up like always."
"I'm kidding myself."

Finished painting. April 2017.

And maybe you won't think of me as how I tend to think of myself (awesome, if you do), but this how my mind thinks. I doubt myself before I can be myself. But, I'm learning. I'm going to be 27 in May and I finally feel like I'm beginning to like who I am. I am witty, smart, silly, caring, loving, angry, passionate, creative, imaginative, scared, and who knows what else. There is so much that makes me who I am but there is so much that holds me back from meeting my true potential. It's a constant battle that I am learning to finally conquer.

Don't get me wrong, I'm still very much inside my head still, but I feel that has also been beneficial to me. I'm sensitive to what I need to feel fulfilled - does that make some sense? And maybe I'm not totally fulfilled yet, but I know what I want to do to make me feel like I've done something more, even if the rest of the world doesn't see it that way. I like pastels and dark colors. I like skulls and flowers. I like experimenting with different techniques. I like it when artists express themselves through their artwork. I find it very brave to expose a little piece of you. Art, to me, will always feel like an extension of me. Maybe that's why I haven't done much to make a profit out of it. Because I'm always second guessing myself, wondering if anyone else will accept me while also not caring if they ever notice me. It's a battle, but one I sometimes like seeing where I'm going with it. I'm growing.

Downtown Charleston, South Carolina. March 2015.

Right now, I'm not doing too much of over-thinking lately. I feel aware of my thoughts, and that's good. I know I can be absent, and not always present with this blogs, or even my thoughts, but I feel like I'm not talking out of my ass and sharing with you what's on my heart. And I guess it's up to you whether or not you want to be present with me also.

I need to go out and do more things. I just need to not be scared of what will be thought of me and just be concerned with how I feel if I let an opportunity pass me by. Because I like how I feel when I finish a painting or edit some photos. Feeling good right now.